Say Yes

Maria Montessori has taught us to approach the child with a Yes; tell them what they CAN DO rather than what they can’t.  When you don’t want your child to scream at home, say:  “ We use our indoor voices inside.”  If you want them to stop running:  “ We walk inside.”  There isn’t a No that you cannot turn into a positive statement if you really give it some thought.

Yes, you can cry as long as you want to quietly right here ( or in your room or when we get to the car).  Yes, you can buy this when you have earned enough money or if you have enough in your piggybank.  Let’s check when we get home!   

Using positive statements will focus your child’s attention on the positive behaviors.  It will help you and them to avoid temper tantrums or just even the feelings of frustration.  After all, who likes to hear “NO!” when you really want something?  Using positive language will help your child to make appropriate choices and help boost their self-esteem when they are able to do so.  

That said, children of course need to also understand the word ‘no’! No should be reserved for situations that are absolutely non-negotiable, for actions that may endanger or affect their health or life (family values can also be in this category).  For example: No, you cannot run to the street! No, you cannot eat this entire bag of candy. No, you may not hit me, etc.

With a very young child though, the ‘no’ should be quickly followed by, “We always hold hands and look left and right before we cross the street. Let’s practice!” Or “ But you can have this banana right here.” Or “We CAN give hugs though. Do you want to practice?” Ending with a positive will distract them from the No and from wanting to do exactly the opposite. They are still able to cross the street (maybe several times) but on your terms.  Older children may need to have an explanation and a consequence (discussed previously). 

Another tip: When discussing the consequences for a certain unwanted behavior with your child of 5 and above, it is a good idea to ask your children for advice on what should the consequence be for a future unwelcome behavior. This will not only serve as a contract and forewarning but they will often come up with a more severe or innovative consequence for when they don’t listen than you would ever have thought of.  

In conclusion, start with a ‘yes’ whenever possible.  Use positive rather than negative language and you will avoid power struggle and solicit cooperation instead.